“Kayla, you’re being too bubbly. Tone it down.”
“Kayla, you’re not funny. Stop trying.”
“Kayla, don’t let anyone know you’ve lost your temper on your little boy. You’re a bad mom.”
“Kayla, don’t post that picture. You look fat.”
“Kayla, stop it. It’s not going to work.”
“Kayla, you’ve got to post more. But… make sure you put on make-up first.”
“Kayla, don’t post this blog. It’s too raw. You will be judged.”
Someone has been talking to me exactly like this for years now. Years.
This is abuse, isn’t it? I would NEVER speak to my worst enemy like this (if I had one.) Or would I? Oh, I have… because the statements above are the ones I’ve said to myself a million times. Over and over and over and over and over again.
It took me years, literally, to get to this point. To the point I could post online without pouring my thoughts and ideas through that filter – that filter of caring what other people think. A filter so fine that what came out on the other side was so strained that I didn’t even recognize it. It definitely wasn’t me.
I have high standards. I have etiquette books on my book self in our living room, for goodness sake. I think it is safe to say I have a pretty good grip of what is socially acceptable and what is not. But y’all, I’ve been carrying around this filter for too long… it’s debilitating. If anything has held me back, it’s this. I’m a people-pleaser. I crave the acceptance of others. I will go out of my way to make someone who doesn’t like me… love me. Until now. I’m exhausted, and honestly, God has called me to things that take a whole lot of energy. I can’t do both. So, off you go “caring what others think.” I quit.
I’m listening to a book right now called 12 Rules of Life. The author said that we should treat our own self like we would treat someone who is needy and has been placed in our care. We should be overly kind. Overly patient. Overly forgiving. Give grace freely. Make it your priority to take the upmost care of that person. I’m pretty sure those statements I’ve been saying to myself are a million miles away from how I should be talking to myself. So, I quit.
In 2019 I’m quitting. Well, I’m quitting these two things specifically:
- caring what other people think (besides my husband. But he is kind of biased and has been pushing and cheering me on for years. Easy crowd, that sweet husband of mine.)
- talking to myself so poorly
How do I plan to do this exactly? I’m so glad you asked!
- First, I am replacing my filter with a new one. Y’all, you need a filter. Everyone follows that one person you wish had one. Don’t just say or post whatever goes through your head… otherwise, you’ll be sorry later. You cannot take it back. My new filter: If I feel it honors God and His Word, then it passes. That’s it. Now, might that make some people uncomfortable? Absolutely! Are people going to talk badly about me who don’t agree with my views? Everyday. And guess what… I’m okay with that. It only took me years.
- Negative thoughts will come. I will feel insecure. I will question myself and what I’m doing. Instead of beating myself up, I am going to be kind. Even give myself some credit (what a crazy thought!). I read a book called The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst and it has really help me when I feel unsure or insecure about a decision.
“Kayla, you wrote a hard blog post (like this one) GOOD FOR YOU! That wasn’t easy, and no, it’s not perfect. I am sure there are some typos, but I know there are some people out there who need to start talking better to themselves, too. It will help someone. Post it.”
See what I did there? If I can do it, you can too. 2019 is going to be big, and I have no room for negativity. You don’t either, sister! Will you join me? Let’s do this together.
Kayla, this is right on girl! I’t is so refreshing to read posts that are real and authentic. I too struggle with negative thoughts. It’s a powerful thing to know how to replace the negative with the positive. People need to know that. Raising children in this culture of ours is hard too. It feels like there is so much pressure to know what you want to be when you grow up and have a plan set in place when you are so young, you don’t even know yourself. I’m 41 and feel like I’m just now feeling comfortable in my own skin. We put too much pressure on ourselves and our kids. One thing I promised myself for 2019 is I would stop comparing myself to others and I would quiet the voice in my head that says, “You should be making more money at your age. You should be living in your dream house. You should have this diet thing under control. You are never going to achieve your ideal weight. Look at other working moms.. they balance things way better than you do.” And on and on. So, I quit too!!! I pray 2019 is a year of plenty for you!!! You are a beautiful soul! Don’t ever let that voice in your head tell you otherwise!